Illusions
by Vinnie K
Summary: -Hiatus- Realities can change, sometimes so drastically that we think it was all a dream - an illusion. DL angst.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it, don't control what happens. Just borrowing the characters for a bit.

**A/N:** This is a story that takes another look at the DL relationship and really, is just something I think needs to be told. Going by the episodes of CSI:NY that I have seen, I think you can call this AU as of 4/18. They may come across OOC but please, I think this gives them more depth and looks into the confusion felt by both characters.

Either way, this is an experiment. Enjoy the ride and let me know what you think.

And **special** **thanks to _SMAngel21190_**. Cheers for the idea bouncing and helping me relax. You, my dear, are awesome!

* * *

**Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead. We must therefore accept it, without complaint, when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces.**

**- Sigmund Freud.**

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_His head spun as he tried to hold onto something. His hands settled to fist in her hair as he tried to push past the hazy feeling. He gasped as he felt her hands run down his bare stomach, gripping onto his cold belt. He smirked when he heard her sigh in pleasure underneath him. His eyes closed when he heard his name fall gracefully from her lips._

_Slowly coming down, he felt the relief radiate through him. The pleasure and bliss rested in his body as he felt her sigh against his chest. Her presence warmed him and he was thankful for that. For too long had he felt cold and numb; but now, with her next to him, he felt solace. He felt as if this would make things better. By doing this, he had tried to apologize for the wrong he had done to her._

In the harsh light of the morning, he stared at her. Her hair covered her face, her delicate hand rested on her naked stomach just above the sheets. She slept peacefully on the couch next to him and he wondered when she had last had a good nights sleep. He stared at the ceiling trying to ignore the voice that reminded him that he was to blame for her lack of sleep.

He tried, unsuccessfully, to forget about the voice in his mind. It seemed to always creep up on him to remind him that he was in fact useless and undeserving of a good life. It tried to convince him that he would always, eventually, fail the people around him. This voice, he would reason, was always right. Mac, Louie, Aiden - each person he cared about he had let down. He had given them his word and he had forgotten to keep it in his recklessness.

And now he had done it again.

He turned his head and looked at her sleeping figure. Carefully he rose from the couch to collect his clothing from the floor. After locating his badge and phone, he walked over to her side table to find her notepad. Quickly scribbling a note, he looked back at her. She looked content in sleeping, fighting off reality for a couple more hours. His mouth crooked into a small smile as he watched her before quietly exiting, shutting the door on his safe delusion.

* * *

As he sat on the cold steps that led up to her apartment block, he went through all the things he would tell her. He was sorry to have ever hurt her. He was sorry he had to retell it to her, to break her heart a little more. He was sorry, and he'd work hard to make things better. He was sorry, but it had felt right. He was sorry, but it meant a lot to him and to her. He was sorry he didn't tell her sooner. He was sorry she couldn't comfort him, not in the way he needed.

He was so sorry.

Fighting the urge to reach for his cell to phone her, so that she would arrive sooner, Danny waited a little bit longer. He could wait; he's done it long enough for her. He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. He had to tell her. It wasn't fair to carry on shutting her out of his life; he had done that for too long.

The hostile part of him didn't think he had any reason to tell her. So he had shut her out and pushed her away, so what? She had committed the same crime when she refused to let him help her through her hard times. A part of him reasoned that she deserved it. She deserved to feel the agony and rejection that he had gone through.

Danny shook his head, he was such an idiot.

Of course she didn't deserve this. No-one should deserve to go through this amount of pain. He couldn't hide away; he couldn't carry on lying to her. And if that meant telling her the cruel, stupid things he had done, then so be it. Though, he didn't want to tell her. He was meant to protect her, not cause her more pain. And yet, he knew there was no way to stop it. It was essential for him to go over everything with her, whether she wanted to hear it or not.

The sooner she knew, the sooner he could grovel to get her back.

The jangling of keys brought him out of his thoughts and he looked up to see her standing in front of him. She looked tired and worn, and more importantly shocked to see him there. It upset him that she didn't think he wanted to be around her outside of work hours.

Licking his lips nervously, he carefully rose from his sitting position. He cleared his throat and gave her a small smile. "Hey…" As he stared at her, all the things he wanted to tell her rushed to the tip of his tongue, and yet he didn't know how to process them into sentences. He felt nervous and scared at what was about to unfold, and he certainly didn't feel ready.

Lindsay looked at him and blinked slowly to see whether he was really there. He didn't magically disappear – he really was here. Standing in front of her, after what seemed so long, was the man she loves.

_Loved._

She had loved him. She had loved him, but she wouldn't anymore. She told herself that she refused to love a man that treated her this way. She made a promise to herself that she would get over him. Eventually, she would get over this…_thing_ that the two of them had. It wasn't even worth calling it a relationship because even though they were officially together for quite a while, she felt that if they were in a relationship, he wouldn't have shut her out like he did.

If what they had been through was a real relationship, he would have sat down and talked to her about what was going. She realized that she hadn't acted that way with him during her problems, but she regretted her actions. She wished she had let him in at the start. Maybe then he would have come straight to her to talk, instead of giving her the cold shoulder.

Lindsay looked down as she brushed past him, walking up the steps into the building. She heard his footsteps follow her up the stairs to her apartment door, and she tried to remember how to breathe. She didn't want him to follow her up but knew that he would. He would always follow her, wherever she went.

Unlocking her front door, Lindsay stepped in and carried on walking, straight to her drinks cabinet in the kitchen. The soft click of her door and the sliding of locks alerted her to the fact that he was there with her. She knew that they were going to have a serious discussion and so figured she'd be better off with a stiff drink in her hand.

Getting out the scotch he had bought her she poured him a drink, and grabbed the vodka bottle for herself. He was standing uncomfortably in the middle of her living room and she saw the tension creases in his face. He would definitely need that drink.

"Here," she handed him the glass tumbler, and went to sit on the couch. She watched carefully as he looked at her for a moment, before settling down next to her on the old brown couch. He raised the glass to his lips and took a gulp. He sighed gratefully and looked at her. She quickly looked down to focus on the vodka bottle in her hands. The last thing she wanted was to look him in the eyes. She wasn't ready to see the truth.

Taking a long drag from the bottle, Lindsay sighed and welcomed the familiar burning sensation. The warmth settled in her chest as she closed her eyes. Without opening them, she spoke. "Why are you here?" Her voice was calm even though inside she was terrified about what he would tell her.

Danny too focused on his drink. He swirled the amber liquid around in his glass as he silently prayed to God. He asked for her to somehow understand. He knew he was praying for a miracle, but he clung to hope anyway.

His voice was rough as he answered simply, "I needed to speak to you."

"And it couldn't wait until the morning?"

"No, it really couldn't." He glanced sideways at her. "Honestly, when would we get another chance? You hardly speak to me at work unless it's essential and you rarely pick up my calls outside of work hours. This is the best time for both of us and you know that."

Lindsay shrugged, he had a good point. She took another swig from her bottle to calm the bad feeling surfacing in her gut. "Alright…" She continued to look forward as she nodded slightly for him to continue.

Danny sighed as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. The way she was acting, the blank look on her face, it was worrying him. She seemed so distant from him and he knew deep down that what he was about to tell her was probably going to push her away forever.

"I know there are all these issues we haven't talked about, and I just can't handle it anymore…I did a bad thing. I shut you out, I missed your birthday, I didn't talk to you when I should have—"

Lindsay interrupted his rambling, "You do realize that's more than one 'bad thing'?"

He chuckled slightly at how she could still keep up her dry sense of humor in such a fucked up situation. "Alright, so I did more than one bad thing." He licked his lips and carried on, his heart in his mouth. "Throughout this all…I've been tryin' to talk to you Linds. I've been tryin' to make this better—"

"Joking around about _Jaws_ isn't much to make things better Danny," she reminded him. "Talking to me, being with me, that's how to make things better."

"Yeah, I know that now. That's what I'm tryin' to do. Linds, I need to talk to you, to tell you everything so that we can get better." He didn't know how to tell her everything. He was scared of her reaction, scared of her not understanding how he felt. But he had put them into this situation and so would have to deal with the fallout that was bound to happen.

Danny knocked back the remains of his scotch and set the glass down on the small table in front of them. He saw out of the corner of his eye, Lindsay placing her bottle of vodka down on the floor next to the couch. He took a couple of deep breaths as he sat forward, resting his forearms on his knees.

"That day…when Ruben died, it felt…I felt as if I failed. I just kept thinking that I was cop, aren't I meant to stop these things from happening? I know I couldn't have stopped it. I know there was nothin' I could have done to stop him dying." His voice filled with the pain he felt whenever he spoke about Ruben. "I know that now. But back then, I blamed myself for not checking up on him. I blamed myself for not going to see if he made it home alright, I could have at least phoned to see if he had arrived home safe y'know?"

He looked back and saw Lindsay watching him intently. She gave him a soft nod, to show that she actually understood why he felt that way.

"When I had to tell Rikki…It wasn't like anythin' I've done before. We're used to tellin' mother's their kids have been killed but to tell someone you know that their kid has been taken away from them…I just wanted the ground to open and swallow me. I didn't want to see her cry. I didn't want to be the source of her hurt and anger."

Lindsay's quiet voice stopped him. "But there was nothing you could have done. It wasn't your fault."

Danny nodded. "I know that, I know that. But at the time it felt like her tears were my fault. She was inconsolable, Linds. There was nothin' I could do. I saw her at church. I wanted to talk to her, to apologize, to pray with her, anything. But she refused to talk to me. So I just sat there, tryin' to find salvation but it just didn't come. And I had to do something. That's why I started to shut you out. Because I was tryin' to find an escape and that was to fold in and only think about myself. At that point, I didn't care if I hurt you."

He looked back with a pleading look in his eyes, and saw the hurt on Lindsay's face. He knew that pain was going to increase ten fold soon. "I'm sorry for having to say this. I don't want to hurt you. I've never wanted to hurt you. But it's the truth, Lindsay. That's how I felt at the time. If we're to get back on track then you need to hear this."

Lindsay nodded slowly. She understood where he was coming from. Despite all the pain she felt from having to hear about his grief, she knew that this was what had to be done. If they ever wanted to get back to how they were then she would need to know why he did the things he had done.

Danny turned back to focus on his clasped hands. "I regressed back to my old self. I was back to being the guy that didn't care who he hurt as long as he was alright. It gave me safety and gave me a chance to wallow. I know I shouldn't have done it. It was a cruel thing to do and I'm sorry I hurt you by doin' it. I just need you to understand that it was instinct."

"I understand." Lindsay's voice was tiny as she looked at the back of his head. "I know…I did the same thing to you. I left you hanging, I pushed you away. I know it was a natural thing to do." Her voice shook as she carried on. "I know what grief can do to a person. I know the importance of wallowing, Danny…I just, I just wished I could have helped you somehow. But then again, it's only fair. If I hadn't shut you out during the trial maybe then you would have come to me after Ruben's death instead of trying to cope on your own, even if you thought you had to."

Danny sighed as his eyes closed at her last sentence. He knew she was going to blame herself. He always knew that somehow she would take responsibility so he wouldn't, as if trying to spare him the guilt. It wasn't fair. He deserved the guilt, she didn't. She's had enough guilt to last her a lifetime. "Lindsay don't. Don't blame yourself for my actions. It's not fair on you." He shook his head, "Even if you had come to be during the trial, I think I would have still acted the same. I wouldn't have come to you for comfort…"

"Why not?" Lindsay whispered even though she was scared of knowing the answer.

"I needed…I don't know. I needed something to take the pain away. I needed a release. I didn't care how it came as long as I got the chance to escape this pain that was building up inside of me. It was hurting so badly, Linds. And I just couldn't handle it anymore. I knew if I went to you you'd try to convince me that it wasn't my fault. I knew you'd try to make things better. And where I was then, I didn't want things to get better. I wanted to embrace the pain because I thought I deserved it. But then at the same time, I wanted to get rid of it. I wanted to stop the pain."

"I was confused. I had all these thoughts rushing through my head that I forgot everythin'. I forgot that I had someone to go to with my problems. I forgot your fucking birthday and I'm sorry for that too. I should have remembered. I should have remembered a lot of things but I didn't because I was so messed up that I couldn't think clearly."

He let out a frustrated noise and rubbed his hands over his face. He knew he would have to tell her. Already he had told her most things except for the most heartbreakingly important part. Danny took a quick glance back at her and as before, she was staring at him, hanging off his every word.

He turned away from her, not wanting to look her in the eye when he told her the next part of his story. He couldn't take seeing the tears form in her beautiful eyes. "I know why it happened. I was trying to make the pain disappear. I was trying to replace it with something else. I thought if I could get some sort of…pleasure then this pain would disappear. As if one thing could cancel out the other. I was trying to replace one wrong thing with another. At the time it didn't feel wrong. It was unfamiliar and nonjudgmental and that's what I needed—"

"Danny," Lindsay's suddenly sharp voice interrupted him. "You aren't making any sense. What happened? What did you do?" Lindsay watched carefully, a frown on her face, as he shook his head sadly. That's when she knew. No words were spoken but she felt that there was no need for any. She knew him too well.

He had cheated on her.

He had finally done it.

It took a moment for the thought to digest. He had cheated. Of course he had cheated on her. Why she hadn't thought about it before she didn't know. Now that she considered it, it seemed so likely, so obvious. This was Danny Messer, the man who had no grasp on the meaning of commitment.

"Who was it?"

Her voice sounded so foreign to his ears. It was tiny, broken, and weak; it was a definite contrast to her usual strong self. Danny closed his eyes, hating the fact that he was the cause of that haunting voice. "Rikki Sandoval."

Suddenly, all Lindsay could do was laugh. She didn't know why, maybe it was to stop her from crying. "Rikki? Are you serious?" Lindsay blinked a few times to register what he had told her. He had cheated on her with _her_. Lindsay felt her stomach roll. This couldn't get anymore twisted.

"Okay…" She felt the anger rise inside of her. "So basically, you pity fucked Ruben's mom? You thought that since you had taken away her kid, you'd just replace it with your body?" Lindsay's faced twisted at the thoughts going through her mind. Staring at him, his body still facing away from her, she felt sick. "Yeah," she laughed slightly. "I'm sure that made both of you feel whole lot better."

Danny shook his head. He knew she wouldn't understand. But to be fair, she had the right to be irrational about this. "It did. When it happened…It made me feel better. It made me feel alive. It stopped the pain, even if it was for a while. The relief I felt afterwards was what I had been begging for."

Now it was Lindsay's turn to shake her head. Suddenly, she couldn't stand being so close to him. Like a lightning bolt, she got up from the couch and made a noise of disgust. How dare he try to giver her excuses for what he had done to her. "You had to get that from her?" _Why not me?_ That's what she really wanted to ask. She wanted to cry and scream at him, but somehow her voice couldn't rise over an angry whisper. She wanted to know why he couldn't get that 'relief' from her, but she knew if she asked she wouldn't like the answer.

He watched as she stalked to the other side of the room, vodka bottle grabbed from the floor to be held close to her chest as if it would protect her. "She understood," Danny stated simply, his voice a whisper. "She understood because she was at the same level. It was as if it would show how sorry I was."

Lindsay's broken laughter echoed through the quiet apartment. "You had sex with her to apologize." This was getting better by the minute. "Why do you always have to be so different? Why did you have to take off your fucking clothes to say sorry? What, words not good enough for the great Danny Messer?"

Danny stood from the couch to cautiously walk up behind her. He kept his voice soft. "Linds, please." He carefully placed a hand on her elbow. "You have to understand—"

Lindsay yanked her arm away from him, nearly hitting the vodka bottle over his head at the same time. Her face adopted a snarl as she stepped away from him. Soon enough she found herself backed up against the wall next to her window. "I don't have to understand a thing you say. You told me why you pushed me away, and yeah, I managed to somehow understand that. I tried to understand because I wanted to help us. I wanted to get back to the way we were."

Gradually the tears she had been trying to fight off surfaced in her eyes. Her voice began to crack under the strain of the tears building up. "But to understand this?" She shook her head as her grip on the vodka bottle turned her knuckles white. "I can't do it, Danny. I can't…I don't want to. You're asking for a miracle if you think I'd ever understand why you slept with another woman."

Danny looked on anxiously as Lindsay started to breathe deeply in an attempt to calm herself down. She shakily raised a hand to swipe at her eyes, catching the tears before they got their chance to slip away. He looked at her and his heart broke a little more. Why was he such a fuck up? Why did he have to cause pain to such an innocent person?

He didn't know what to do as she started to cry openly, her unsteady hands not quick enough for the stream of tears. He walked closer to her until he was nearly touching her. Her eyes were downcast as she tried to hide her tears.

"Lindsay…" He reached out cautiously to slowly rub her shoulder. "Hey…don't. I'm sorry, Linds. I'm sorry. Please, don't cry…"

"No. Don't." Lindsay sniffed and fiercely rubbed at her eyes. He wasn't allowed to see her cry. She started to shake her shoulder, trying to release his grip. "You don't get to comfort me. Not after all this." The anger in her crept up, clawing at her. "I am not Rikki, Danny. You cannot just apologize and then fuck it better."

His first instinct was to defend her. Rikki wasn't just a cheap fuck. It had meant something to him. It made him feel better and that was something amazing. She had given him hope. But then, he reasoned, so did Lindsay. She gave him hope and love and he wanted her more than he could express.

Then why did he feel such a pull to Rikki?

He had tried to tell himself that it was the guilt. It was the guilt and pride he felt that made him care about what they had. Their relationship was purely based on grief and he knew that nothing could come of it.

It didn't stop him wonder though.

Gathering his thoughts, Danny looked at Lindsay, and knew what he had to do. Regret was clear in his eyes as he watched her. "I would never do that," Danny soothed.

"But you did it with her," she whispered dejectedly. Lindsay looked up as she prepared herself for what she was going to ask next. "Was she worth it, Danny?" She saw the guilt flash across his eyes. "Was what you had with her worth it?" Lindsay stared into his blue eyes, searching for an answer. Her voice quivered as she watched him think it over.

"Was she worth it…even if it meant you'd lose me?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** Don't own them, don't control what happens. Just borrowing them for a bit.

**A/N:** Thank you to all the people who reviewed and/or added this story to their Alerts. This isn't that long, but it was the only place that felt right to cut off into a chapter…If that makes any sense.

**Side note:** In this fic, Det. Angell's first name is going to be Jennifer seeing as she used to be noted as that. Besides, Jen suits her more than Jess imo.

* * *

The sunlight streamed through her open curtains. The soft light danced across the room, creating patterns she watched carefully. She sat still on her couch, her body tense with concentration. Her mind was working through everything that had happened. It annoyed her that he was still in her thoughts. She knew he shouldn't be. It wasn't right. He had no right to consume her in this way, and she knew she had no right in thinking about him. Not after what happened.

But still she wondered about him. She wanted to know whether he was thinking about yesterday, about her, about them. She wondered where he was, who he was with…if he was with _her._ An uneasy feeling settled in her stomach at the thought of him with another woman. It wasn't wise to think that way; she may throw up if she carried on thinking about his hands on someone other than her.

Slowly, she allowed her mind to trail back to them and the way he looked at her, that certain look she tried to tell herself was reserved only for her. She sighed as she remembered the way he had held her, so gentle and careful. It was as if he was slowly worshipping her, trying to make her feel everything that he felt. It had felt special, made her feel special, and she was so grateful for that.

And now as she went over it, analyzed everything in detail, she believed that he must have felt something towards her other than guilt. She knew she was just taking advantage of the situation, grasping at his advances so that she wouldn't have to face the dark night alone. But now that she thought about it, for him to hold her close to his body, as if trying to protect her, made her think that he cared about her more than he should.

And that thought alone, made her smile.

Rikki felt the corners of her lips quirk up into a small smile. Even though it was faint, a whisper of a smile really, it still counted and that was all that mattered to her. It was a horrible fact that she couldn't remember the last time she smiled. It felt like months–years–though in reality it had only been a few weeks.

Rikki felt her hand naturally drift back to rest against her stomach. She had no cause for smiling since her child had been taken away from her. There was no reason to smile or to be happy. It felt wrong to indulge in such a thing when her boy, who normally had a cheeky grin dancing across his face, was lying dead in the ground.

Tears welled in her eyes and Rikki berated herself for thinking like that. Of course he wasn't in the ground. No, she had to believe he was sitting up in Heaven. He was an angel watching over her, making sure his mom was alright. She allowed herself to smile gently at the idea of Reuben talking the ear off any angel who had to sit and deal with him.

Telling herself that she wouldn't spend her life crying, Rikki got up from her seat on the couch to walk into her kitchen. She absently rubbed against her sweater as she reached to turn on her kettle. As she watched the water boil, she considered calling Danny. When she woke up yesterday she had found the note from him. Rikki was sure she had read it more times than she could count on her fingers.

_- R. Had to run. Sorry I couldn't wake up beside you. I'll call you later. D._

Rikki frowned slightly as she remembered that in fact, he hadn't called her yesterday. When she returned home after work, there were no messages from anyone on her answer phone, and he hadn't called her cell either. Yesterday she had reassured herself that he must have been busy with work. Today however, she wondered if he just didn't want to speak to her…

The kettle clicked behind her and she snapped out of her thoughts. She moved gracefully across her kitchen to grab a mug and fill it with the instant coffee she knew Danny hated. The few times he had come over he would make the same comment about her coffee. Insisting on calling it battery acid, she would only laugh at him good naturedly, telling him there was nothing wrong with the coffee she bought.

Rikki bit her lip as she looked down into her mug. Should she call him? Or would that make her look desperate? But then, she reasoned, she was slightly desperate to hear his voice again. All these thoughts made her shake her head. She was such an idiot. Even though she knew she should stop thinking about him, Rikki couldn't help it. It was as if he was everywhere, and she secretly loved every second of it.

Of course, she didn't know what she was doing. By thinking of Danny when she was more than certain he hadn't given her a second thought, was a stupid thing to do on her part. He had got what he wanted, a quick fuck before he upped and left.

Rikki gripped her mug tighter, maybe Danny had used her. That unsettled feeling came back in full force to rest in the pit of her stomach. He wouldn't do that would he? No, he wouldn't, she saw the feelings in his eyes. She saw it. It was real. His words of apology meant something, his feelings ran deeper and they both knew it. They both felt it. It was real…even if it was only for a while.

* * *

Lindsay ran a hand through her tousled hair as she tried to control her breathing. It had happened again. She closed her eyes at the feeling of burning tears. Why did it have to happen again? She tried not to let out the choking sob as she wiped at her tired eyes. _Fucking dream._

When she had finally managed to drag herself from the floor late last night, she collapsed in her bed, willing herself to sleep. Her stubborn side was determined to sleep and forget about what had taken place that night. She would not loose sleep over this. People broke up all the time, that didn't mean she had to stay up all night crying over someone she never really had in the first place.

And so she tore herself away from her vodka bottle and fell into bed, not bothering to change. She stared at the ceiling at first, counting the number of cracks in the plaster. Lindsay reached number 15 before drifting off into an exhausted sleep.

That's when it started.

She was standing in front of him again. His lips were moving but she couldn't hear anything except for her racing heart. He must have been shouting at her, his face vicious and attacking. She couldn't move, her legs like concrete as she let him blame her. It was her fault. Everything was her fault. She could have stopped it, but she didn't. She forced him into her arms.

Suddenly, she was in his apartment. She was watching them, a shadow in the corner as he moved on top of her. Her heart nearly exploded when they did. And that's when she would wake up. Her hair a mess, a cold sweat dripping down her back making her shiver. And it would happen again, an endless cycle, hour after hour throughout the night.

Lindsay sighed; all she wanted was to sleep. If only she could forget everything. However when her phone started to buzz, she knew an escape wasn't likely.

"Monroe," she said, her voice laced with sleep, as she rubbed her eyes again.

"…Lindsay," the crackling noise overpowered Stella's voice. "DB…Washington Square Park…come…straight…okay?"

Lindsay nodded, catching the most important parts. "I'm on my way," she said even though she was more than certain Stella couldn't hear a word she said. Lindsay dropped her cell to the bed before swinging her legs off the side of the bed. She wouldn't dwell on things. So she hadn't slept, it wasn't the first time nightmares had kept her up at night.

Quickly, she got dressed and grabbed her necessary things. As she drove to the crime scene, Lindsay told herself the same thing – she would not break. She repeated the mantra in her head as she came closer to the scene, the massive arch coming into view. She would carry on as if nothing had changed. It would hurt, it would feel as if she was slowly dying inside, but she would not break in public. No, she had to save that for the confines of her bedroom.

"Stella," Lindsay called as she walked over to the older woman who was standing with her back to her. She seemed to be in deep conversation with someone, however with Stella blocking the way, Lindsay couldn't tell who. She bit her lip and hoped it wasn't Danny. She knew she had to remain strong, but she really couldn't take seeing him, not this soon afterwards.

Stella turned around and smiled at Lindsay, and Lindsay sighed in relief when she saw that the person she had been talking to was in fact Detective Angell. "Hey Linds," she nodded over to the guy lying on the grass. "Matteo Jenks, student at NYU. A passerby called it in. Looks like he was beaten to death."

Lindsay winced at the sight and crouched next to the body. "TOD?" She flashed her camera, capturing the sight of the fresh, open cuts on his face. Lindsay's eyes were drawn to the purple and red bruising on his neck.

"ME estimated two to three hours ago," Lindsay looked up at the sound of Angell's voice. "Eye witnesses say they saw him talkin' to some guy. Said it looked pretty heated too." Angell told her, her voice wavering slightly.

Stella looked from Angell back to Lindsay. She was about to speak when her pager caught her attention. "DB on Brooklyn Bridge," she mumbled to herself. Abruptly, she looked up between the two women. "Linds, you finish up here and I'll meet you back at the lab, alright?"

Lindsay smiled softly, "I got it."

Angell watched as Stella marched away to her SUV before turning to Lindsay, a stern look on her face. "Okay, spill."

Lindsay didn't look up from her task, as she continued to snap photos. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Right, like I'm supposed to believe that," Angell huffed. She had watched Lindsay approach them from over Stella's shoulder. The moment she saw her she knew something was wrong. The way Lindsay was carrying herself, stiff as if she had been hurt, made her narrow her eyes as Lindsay came closer. "What happened?"

Lindsay collected a piece of hair from the vic's clothing and sealed it into a bag. Even though she was relieved that it hadn't been Danny who was at the scene, she knew that with Angell here, she wouldn't be able to keep up her act. Angell was one of her few friends that knew her well enough to see through her façade. But she had told herself she wouldn't go over this in public, no matter how much Angell persisted.

"Nothing happened," she replied neutrally, before standing from her position. She looked over to the ME and his tech, signaling that she was done. Lindsay turned to look at Angell and saw the look of suspicion mixed with worry. She felt guilty for not telling her friend, and bit her lip in regret. She forced herself to remain composed and gave her a reassuring smile, or what she hoped resembled one. "Everything is fine, Jen. Don't be so paranoid. I better get back to the lab."

Angell narrowed her eyes as Lindsay started to walk back to her car with her kit. "Oh no, you are not walking away from me, Monroe!" Angell yelled after her, not caring about the uniformed officers who stared at her. She turned to one of the young officers standing not too far away, "Silverman. Make sure no-one disturbs the scene, and then check around. See if you can get us a description."

"Yes, Detective," he replied, not fazed by her clipped tone.

Angell nodded and walked through the park, back to her car. She knew when something was wrong with Lindsay; she could read her like a book. For someone who always tried to hide her emotions from people, she sure didn't do it very well. Angell got into her car and started the engine. She would get to the bottom of this whether Lindsay liked it or not.

* * *

"Sid confirmed that COD was a fatal blow to the chest. Shape of the bruising indicates the head of a hammer," Lindsay told Stella as she handed her the case file.

"Ouch. This guy really wanted Jenks dead," she mumbled as her eyes flicked over the evidence.

"Guys."

Stella looked up at her, her eyebrow raised. "Well, it would make sense looking at the beating Jenks took."

"There were two different sets of fist prints on him," Lindsay walked over to the other side of the table and picked up another file. "That hair I picked up from his clothing?" She paused as she handed Stella the file. "Goes back to a Mr. John Howard, in the system for GBH three years ago."

Stella smiled slightly as she looked over at Lindsay. "Well then, why don't you go down with Angell and see if you can get anything from Mr. Howard. This case with the DB on Brooklyn Bridge is taking up most of my time."

Lindsay shrugged off her lab coat and glanced over at Stella. "Yeah, what's with that?"

"Jumper wasn't exactly a jumper," Stella sighed.

"Complicated?"

"To say the least," Stella smiled. "I better go talk to Adam, see if he has anything I could use. Fill me in as you along, okay?"

Lindsay nodded before leaving the lab to find Angell. On her way to the elevator, she chewed on her lip nervously as she looked around the hallway to see if she could spot Danny. She had stood outside their office earlier, contemplating whether or not to go in. Finally calling herself crazy, she straightened her back and pushed the door open. She had sighed in relief when he wasn't in there. Lindsay got into the elevator and rested her weight on one foot as she tried to determine what exactly she was feeling. She didn't know whether to feel glad or disappointed over the fact that she hadn't seen him. It had been less than a day, and she was already starting to miss him.

When Lindsay got off the elevator, she saw Angell in conversation with Flack by her desk. He must have said something funny as she was laughing, her grin making her eyes crinkle in the corners. She braced herself and spoke, "Hey guys."

She tried to keep her voice cheerful but as soon as Angell heard her, her grin turned into a frown. She looked Lindsay up and down, silently assessing the situation. It was true; she did look as if nothing had happened. Though that didn't stop Angell from feeling worried each time she looked at her friend. "Monroe."

Flack raised his eyebrows as he glanced over at Lindsay, noticing Angell's cold tone of voice. He cleared his throat, "You alright, Lindsay?" He asked, whilst looking wearily between the two women.

"I'm fine, Flack," Lindsay replied easily, though her eyes never left Angell's. "Suspect's name is John Howard, you ready to pay him a visit?"

Angell nodded and let Lindsay walk past her. She let out a sigh and ran a hand through her hair. She looked up to see Flack still looking at the spot where Lindsay had been, confusion clear on his face. "You know," she startled him out of his thoughts with her loud voice. He raised his eyes to look at her and she tried not to smile at his face. "Monroe isn't fine. I'm guessing your boy done something to her." She couldn't help but smirk at Flack's narrowed stare. "I better go," she grabbed her blazer from the back of her chair and slid it on. "And you better talk to Messer."

And with that, Angell turned and walked off; leaving Flack to groan at the thought of dealing with Danny Messer's shit again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** Don't own them, don't control what happens.

**A/N:** Thanks again for all the reviews or Alerts, it means a lot. For some reason I think Lindsay came off a bit un-emotional in this. I haven't got a clue why. I've started to refer to Angell as Jen now, it seems easier this way. I should've done it from the start. Silly girl. Reviews would be nice.

* * *

"So, are we just going to avoid the subject?" Jen asked casually as she pulled the door open for Lindsay.

Lindsay glanced at her before walking into the hallway of the apartment block. During the car ride over Lindsay had carefully maneuvered the car, as well as the conversation away from the topic of her and her feelings. By taking their light banter in other directions, she thought she had successfully avoided any awkward conversations. She talked about everything from the weather to what exactly Jen's relationship with Flack was. She thought she was safe, she thought she wouldn't have to go into the details of last night.

Obviously, she thought wrong.

Lindsay pressed for the fourth floor as the doors of the elevator closed. She stood straight, her shoulders tense as she felt Jen move next to her. She hoped they weren't going to do this now. Not when she had to focus on the case. "Alright, so we _are_ avoiding the subject then," Jen said, and Lindsay sighed. So they were going to do this now.

"I really don't think this is the time," Lindsay told her as she kept her eyes fixated on the numbers slowly lightening up on the wall.

"I think this is the best time."

Lindsay rolled her eyes at the comment. Of course this was the best time. "I don't understand why you're persisting on something that isn't real."

"Something that isn't real?" Jen looked at Lindsay, wondering if the woman in front of her was delusional. "I saw the way you were walkin' this morning. I know when something's wrong." Lindsay remained focused on the numbers that were progressing in front of her. One more and she would be safe. "What's wrong, Linds?" The soft tone Jen's voice made Lindsay briefly close her eyes.

The elevator dinged and the doors slid open, revealing a long hallway of apartments. The two ladies walked along the hallway before stopping in front of John Howard's door. Instead of knocking, Lindsay turned to Jen. "I know you have this idea," she started, her voice low. "And yeah, you're right." Lindsay's eyes narrowed at Jen's triumphant smirk. "But this really isn't the time or the place."

Jen looked down at Lindsay and saw the warning look in her eye. Even though it would annoy her, and probably gnaw at her insides until she found out, she was able to let it go. She turned back to the door and sighed. "Let's talk to Howie then," she muttered and rolled her eyes slightly at Lindsay's soft laughter.

* * *

Danny looked down at the evidence in front of him, trying to make sense of the substance in front of him. It was some type of gooey…light reflecting …_thing_ that they had retrieved from the Brooklyn Bridge jumper. He tilted his head, wondering why he was stuck on lab and desk work again. He knew he shouldn't complain since Mac always had his reasons, but it annoyed him being stuck in the glass walls, churning out results.

Danny frowned at the evidence in the Petri dish. It was useless really, he couldn't focus. He growled in frustration and tore off his gloves. A lab tech could figure this out; he knew that he was hopeless if his mind wasn't on the job. Figuring that the evidence probably wouldn't be of much importance, since Stella and Hawkes were already running a few leads, Danny left the lab to head for his office. There was a stack of paperwork that seemed to have taken permanent residence on his desk, and he knew that without a case, he would have to sit down and deal with it.

Suddenly, half way to the office, Danny halted in the middle of the hallway. It dawned on him that he was heading to his office. The office he shared with…

_Lindsay._

Danny's heart tightened in his chest as he thought about her. The same nauseous feeling settled in his stomach as he remembered the way Lindsay looked at him. Her bright eyes focused on him as he tried to tell her that he didn't want to lose her. He wanted to keep her. He wanted to apologize and keep her safe. He wanted so many different things, and yet couldn't have any of them.

It was still fresh in his mind, even though he spent most of last night and today trying to forget. Everything was still clear, all the wounds open. If he closed his eyes, he could still see her looking at him. Her eyes wide and scared as he stared at her, not knowing what to say. She told him to leave, her voice soft and hurt. In the darkness of his dreams, he could still hear her.

Danny's shoulders slumped forward as he looked down the hallway, contemplating what to do. He hadn't seen Lindsay all day, which was odd as he would have assumed she'd appear in the lab at one point. Now going over that fact, he thought it could be possible that she may be stuck at her desk as well.

Looking at the people working around him, Danny considered going to the break room instead. She wouldn't want to see him. It didn't matter that his body ached from not being close to her, he had to give her space. How he was going to do that when they worked together nearly everyday, he didn't know.

He took a deep breath before hitching his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. This was crazy; he was an adult for crying out loud and was more than capable in handling the situation. Though, that didn't stop him from carefully pushing the door to his shared office open. His eyes darted across the room and found that it was in fact empty.

Heading straight for his desk, Danny frowned slightly. Where was she? The rational part of him reasoned that she must have been busy, that's why he hadn't seen her. The irrational side however, a side that he listened to more than he should, demanded to know why she hadn't come across him. He missed her damn it, and was upset that he hadn't got the chance to see her, even if it was only for a moment.

His frowned deepened as he looked at the pile of files, sitting neatly in the corner of his desk. They weren't that neat last time he checked. No, last time they had been messily placed all over his desk. He figured Lindsay must have tidied it for him. She always hated his mess. She would tease him, saying he would get lost underneath it if he weren't careful. He would tell her that if that happened, he wanted to get lost with her. It was cheesy, and she had always rolled her eyes at him, but that never stopped the faint blush on her cheeks.

Yet again, his heart squeezed at the memories surrounding Lindsay. He wished he could talk to her, but he knew that wasn't possible. Maybe they would never talk about their situation, have it be a big elephant that would always follow them around instead. The frown that seemed to take permanent residence on his face deepened at the thought.

"Supposedly," Flack's loud voice shocked Danny out of his thoughts. He looked up to see the other man leaning against the doorframe. Flack uncrossed his arms from his chest and walked into the small office. He sat himself down at Lindsay's desk, and leaned back in her chair. "Supposedly," he continued, his finger pointing at Danny. "You did something wrong."

Danny dropped his pen to the desk and looked at Flack, clearly suspicious. "Again?" He asked, making sure he sounded nonchalant. There was no way Flack could know. Danny certainly hadn't told him, and he was more than certain neither had Lindsay. "What exactly did I do this time, Donald?"

Flack shook his head and smiled slightly at Danny's uninterested approach to the topic. "You know what you did." He, however, didn't know. All Flack was going on was what Jen had said to him before she had left. He didn't particularly care about what Danny did, his friend's mistakes were all the same to him now, but he saw the look in Jen's eyes when she regarded Lindsay. This must have been worse than anything Danny had done before.

Flack sometimes wondered if Danny had his own personal Fuck-Up Fairy. Everything bad seemed to be aimed at him lately, and even though most he couldn't control, Flack assumed that this time, the old Danny Messer had reared his horns again and screwed up.

Danny looked at Flack skeptically from his side of the joined desks. He tried to keep the guilt off his face, as he wondered if Flack knew. He was probably bluffing. "And how do you know what I did?"

Flack shrugged, "Little birdie told me."

Lindsay wouldn't tell him. She would however tell her best friend. Danny nearly groaned he realized. "A little birdie called Angell?"

Flack clicked his fingers, and smirked at the look of annoyance on his friend's face. "Dang, you figured it out."

Danny groaned and looked seriously at Flack. "Man, what exactly she tell you?"

Flack shrugged again. "Not much. She told me to talk to you." He fell silent for a moment, looking carefully at Danny. Annoyance, guilt and worry were all clear on his face as he stared back. Flack sighed, "What did you do?"

"You don't want to know," he mumbled tiredly.

"I probably don't, but you're gonna tell me anyway." Flack looked at him, his eyes trailing over the other man's face. "This shit is eatin' you up. What happened?"

Danny sighed, leaning back in his own chair. "I screwed up, man. I _really_ screwed up."

"Well, what else is new?" Flack smirked at Danny's glare. "What, forget Monroe's birthday?"

Danny was taken aback slightly at Flack's accuracy. "Well, yeah…But that's not the main screw-up."

"Then what is?" Flack regarded Danny. He looked fidgety, twiddling his thumbs absently as he frowned slightly, seemingly deep in thought.

"I slept with Rikki."

Danny was as wide eyed as Flack. He hadn't meant to blurt it out like that. He was supposed to explain himself first, like he had done with Lindsay. But now he had opened his big mouth and was facing a shocked Flack. He winced when Flack leaned forward, bracing his forearms on Lindsay's desk. He knew what was coming.

"Let me get this right," Flack said, trying to keep his voice steady. He wouldn't take sides. Well, not yet at least. "You…_slept_…with Rikki. As in Rikki Sandoval? As in _Reuben's mom_ Rikki? As in grieving mother Rikki? _That_ Rikki?"

Danny rolled his eyes in frustration, "How many other Rikki's do we know, Flack?"

"Are you saying you actually had _sex_ with Rikki?" Flack couldn't get his head around it. He knew he was pissing Danny off, but he just didn't understand. The last time he checked, Messer and Monroe were fine. Everything seemed normal, they joked around at work, and outside of work hours, they seemed to be glued together. Normally by their lips.

"Yeah, we had sex," he shook his head slightly. "I'm such a dick."

Flack laughed lightly, "Took the words right outta my mouth." The fact that Danny obviously regretted his actions made Flack glad that his friend hadn't totally reverted back to his old self. That Danny used to treat woman like objects, never caring if he hurt them. He'd admit that at one point he did the same but that was beside the point. Now, it was clear that Danny berated himself severely over his actions. "You tell Lindsay?"

"Yes." His voice was a whisper as he hung his head, deciding to concentrate on his clasped hands instead.

Flack nodded and kept his voice low as well. "What she say?"

Danny closed his eyes as he remembered their conversation. He could recall everything, word for word. Her voice still floated inside his head and he wished he could get rid of it. It hurt to hear her voice more than it hurt to hear the voice of his conscience. "She said a lot, Flack. She asked me if it was worth it." He shook his head in disgust. "I couldn't answer. I couldn't, man. I didn't know what to say."

Flack nodded again, as if he understood. "Well, was it worth it?" Danny looked up at him. "Was what you had with Rikki that good?" Danny continued to stare him, just like he did with Lindsay. Words failed him. "Was it really worth it, man?"

* * *

"You gonna talk to me now?"

Lindsay turned around from her locker to face Jen, who was sitting on the bench in the locker room. After nailing Howard and one of his buddies for the murder of Jenks, Jen and Lindsay had clocked off for the night. Lindsay knew it meant that Jen would resume her quest in finding out what was wrong. There was no way she could avoid the conversation now.

"If I have to," Lindsay replied, as she closed her locker and leaned secretly against it.

Jen looked around the room; no-one was in the room except for them but she still figured they'd be better off having this discussion at Joe's. She had a feeling Lindsay would need a drink in her hand while going over whatever happened. She nodded towards the door, "How 'bout we go to Joe's first?"

Lindsay pushed herself off the lockers and shrugged. "Let's go then."

Once inside the noisy bar, the pair moved towards an empty booth at the back. Lindsay sat opposite Jen and looked around, taking in the different people scattered around. She tried to gather her thoughts, tried to bring everything forward in her mind, but it was hard. After spending most of the day trying to avoid thinking about her situation, Lindsay now didn't know what to say. Words failed her.

"What can I get you?" A waitress appeared at their booth and Lindsay stared at her, not really focused. Luckily for her Jen ordered them two bottles of Miller Light before Lindsay had time to process what the young woman had asked.

"So," Jen started, resting her elbow on top of the table. She placed her chin in her palm and looked at Lindsay, concentration obvious on her face. "What did Messer do?"

Lindsay shook her head at first. She didn't know where to start. He had done so many different things to her that she was confused over what she felt. He had hurt her, torn her heart right out of her chest. He had stepped on her feelings, crushed all her hopes of having a normal relationship for once. He had broken his promises to never leave her. He had betrayed her, made her feel worthless. He had made her love and hate him at the same time.

The waitress placed their beers on the table and smiled sweetly at them as she collected their fare. Lindsay watched her walk off, her hips swaying with confidence which caught various eyes as she walked back to the bar. "He came over last night," she started, before taking a drag from her bottle. "He explained a lot to me. Told me about Reuben, about how he felt…"

Lindsay's eyes grew darker as she remembered what he had told her. "He kept apologizing. At first I thought he was sorry for leaving me out. For pushing me away…" She shook her head and took another swig from the bottle. She was now glad Jen hadn't decided to talk to her in the locker room; she definitely needed alcohol to get through this.

"He slept with someone else."

At first Jen nearly didn't catch what she had said. Lindsay's voice was quiet, and if she hadn't been listening so intently, she would have missed what Lindsay told her. But she had heard, and was shocked over what she had just learnt. Messer had slept with someone else. He had cheated on Lindsay. The son-of-a-bitch had cheated on her best friend.

"Did he tell you who with?" Her voice was low too, as she couldn't make it go over a harsh whisper. If Jen raised her voice she knew she would probably start shouting about how much a fucktard Danny Messer was.

All Lindsay could do was nod sadly, and choke out her name. "Rikki Sandoval." The name felt like acid on her tongue, burning her every time she talked—or thought—about her.

Jen blinked. "Fuck."

"Yeah."

The two sat in silence for a few moments, the information sinking into Jen's hazy mind, and Lindsay trying to forget about the pain that settled in her chest. She grabbed her bottle from the table to find that it was already empty. Glancing at Jen's blank face and then at the bar, Lindsay sighed and contemplated buying another beer. Or something stronger.

Finally, Jen found her voice. She looked at Lindsay carefully, weighing up all the different things she could tell her friend. When it came down to it, she realized that nothing she said would make Lindsay feel better. So she stuck with the most simplest of things, "What now?"

Lindsay looked at her, her eyes big in the dark. They sat there, eyes locked onto each other, both trying to search for an answer. Neither could find one. Lindsay didn't know where she stood. She didn't know what was happening. Everything seemed to be moving around her, and yet here she stood, watching it all go by. And that scared her.

"I don't know," her voice wavered as she ran a hand through her short hair. "I don't know, Jen." She looked at her, despair clear in her open eyes. "What am I going to do?"

Jen reached over and grabbed Lindsay's hand sympathetically. She wanted to shout at Messer, rip him to pieces because of what he had done. But she would stay calm; she had to since Lindsay needed her to be strong. "I don't know either." The tears that formed in Lindsay's eyes appeared in hers too. "I don't know." Jen squeezed her hand when Lindsay looked down. "But whatever happens, Monroe…" Lindsay looked up at her, her eyes watery and vulnerable, and Jen gave her a small smile. "You got me right here to kick any guy's ass if they even think about hurtin' you."

Lindsay laughed despite the situation. She let go of Jen's hand and swiped at her eyes. "If anyone's going to be doing the ass kicking, it's me."

"That's my girl," Jen grinned. Quickly she looked behind her, staring hard at the bartender at the bar. As he glanced around the bar, he caught her eye and held onto it. Jen smirked at him before turning back to Lindsay. "Right, what time is your shift tomorrow?"

Lindsay frowned at the abruptness of the question. "I don't start until three."

Jen grinned wickedly, "And I have the day off." She nodded towards the bartender at the bar. "He seems nice. Looks sorta bored." Her grin widened when she saw something click in Lindsay's mind, and the smile started to form on her friend's lips. "I say we go keep him busy. What with all the shots we're gonna buy."


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** Don't own them, don't control what happens. Just borrowing them.

**A/N:** Thanks again for the reviews or Alerts (: Review, please? (:

* * *

The shrill ring of her telephone shocked Lindsay out of her sleep. Cursing loudly from the sharp, shooting pain in her head, she quickly looked around, trying to place where the sound was coming from. She narrowed her eyes at the offending object on her cabinet and stretched across her bed to pick up the receiver.

"Hello?"

"You sound like Hell."

Lindsay groaned and sat up in bed, resting her back against the headboard. "Thanks, Jen," she said, her voice hoarse and sore. She knew she probably looked like Hell too. And she was more than certain that Jen looked amazing. Somehow, Lindsay would always be the one lumbered with the hangover for both of them. And it really pissed her off.

"I didn't wake you, did I?" Jen asked nonchalantly, knowing full well that she had.

Lindsay grunted at the thumping pain in her head. "Of course not. I'm usually up at…" Lindsay looked at her alarm clock and sighed. "Six in the morning on days I have a late shift."

"That's good then," Jen chirped cheerfully.

Lindsay rolled her eyes at the smirk she knew Jen had on her face. "What do you want this early? I though it's your day off."

Jen looked down at her nails and aimlessly picked at the clear varnish. "Oh, it is. I just wanted to tell you somethin'."

"What?"

"There's a boy in my bed."

"What?" Lindsay asked, shock and confusion evident in her voice.

"There's a boy in my bed," Jen repeated, as she looked down at the man next to her. "Okay, technically not _my_ bed. But that isn't the point. He's cute. Nice ass." Jen tilted her head to the side as she gave him the once over. "Hung like a horse."

Lindsay rubbed her forehead as she tried to focus on the conversation. "Who?" Lindsay was silent for a second, before it dawned on her. "The bartender?" She shrieked, the sound of her own voice making her wince in pain.

"Jeez Monroe, can you get any louder?" Jen looked down at him once more before getting off the bed, grabbing her jeans from the floor. She rested her cell in between her shoulder and ear as she got dressed, not bothering trying to be discrete. Bonbon, and yes that was his real name, seemed to be a deep sleeper.

Lindsay mumbled an apology as she frowned, trying to figure out when exactly Jen managed to leave with the bartender without her noticing. It was clear that last night events were still hazy in her mind; the last thing she remembered was throwing up in her toilet before crawling her way to her bed. "When did you leave with the bartender?"

"Bonbon," Jen said, as she looked around for her jacket. "And around one. We made sure you got home. You're really horny when you're drunk, you know that?"

Lindsay was about to speak, when she stopped and frowned. "Bonbon?"

"Bartender." Jen bent down and reached for her jacket which was lying under the desk.

Lindsay nodded absently, when she abruptly sat up straight. "I am not horny when I'm drunk!"

Jen grinned, "Yes you are. The things you promised Bonbon, the things you promised me…" Finally fully dressed, Jen walked out of Bonbon's bedroom and into his kitchen, locating a small pad of paper next to some empty beer bottles. She looked at the paper, considering what to write. "Hey Linds, stop stressin' for a moment." She heard Lindsay huff on the other side of the line before carrying on, "Should I leave him my number?"

Lindsay shrugged; she knew that no matter what she said, Jen wouldn't take it into consideration. "It's up to you, Jen. If you just want this to stay as a one night stand, then don't. If you'd like to give him a try then go ahead, leave your number."

Jen thought it over. He probably wouldn't call her back. "Okay," she mumbled, as she quickly wrote about having to leave for work. "No number."

"No number." Lindsay was quiet as she chewed on her bottom lip. "Am I really that bad?"

Jen stood up straight and walked to the door, quickly glancing back at the closed bedroom door. "You'd make a stripper blush."

* * *

Danny moved across the break room heading straight for the coffee. He was nearly at the end of his shift, and if he wanted to stay awake for the last part, he would need all the coffee he could find. Even though he was glad he didn't have to sort through anymore of his paperwork, after another sleepless night, all he wanted to do was crawl up in a ball and die. He certainly did not want to deal with the brick wall he had hit in his case.

Each time he tried to close his eyes last night he would be greeted by flashing images. He would see glimpses of them, both women haunting him. He didn't want to see their faces, both hurt and lost. He didn't want to be reminded of how much he had fucked up. But that didn't stop the memories to come flooding back every time he tried to sleep.

First it had only been Lindsay. He would see her face, her brown eyes large and vulnerable. He would hear her, her hushed voice floating around his mind, her blurred words repeating constantly in the silence of his world. But last night, his dreams had changed. Suddenly, he could see Rikki. Her image exploded before his eyes, her eyes showing how scared she felt even though her face was bright with a desperate hope. He could still hear her, her voice a whisper, threading in between Lindsay's words. It wasn't clear to him what they were saying, but he could see them, side by side, and the image couldn't be more foreign in his mind.

Danny sighed as he rinsed out his mug and placed it on the rack. He glanced down at the sound of his cell buzzing against the counter surface. Picking it up, he noticed her name flash brightly on the screen. Danny was tempted to ignore the call, tell her later that he didn't answer personal calls at work, but he knew they had to talk.

"Messer."

There was a moment hesitation before Rikki's voice came through, "Hey, Danny."

Danny turned to rest his back against the counter. He knew he was supposed to call her. She probably thought he was ignoring her. He wasn't, he just got so caught up in his thoughts that it had slipped his mind. "Hey Rikki, how you doin'?"

Rikki contemplated telling him that she hadn't been able to sleep lately, that her mind wouldn't let her rest. The only good night's sleep she received was a one-off occurrence with Danny, and she didn't like her odds of catching anymore nights like that. "I'm alright," she lied, her voice soft.

Looking down, she realized she was fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. She tore her hand away and stuck it in her jeans pocket instead. She had to remain calm. Rikki scolded herself silently, she really shouldn't be this anxious. "How are you?"

Danny noted the waver and fake energy in her voice but ignored pressing her on the issue. "I'm good, I'm good…Just been a bit busy with this case…"

It wasn't entirely a lie, since he had been partially busy with his paperwork yesterday, and today had been busy with this case before he found himself stuck, unable to get the subpoena he knew would help to shut his case. Danny couldn't help but get annoyed at himself; he shouldn't be pushing Rikki to one side. They lived in the same building, he should have gone to see her and put her mind to rest. They needed to talk after all.

"Anything interesting?"

"Nah." Danny fell into thoughtful silence; he couldn't help but notice that if Lindsay had asked him the same question, he would have launched into a detailed rant about his case. God, he missed Lindsay.

Realizing that he had Rikki on the line, Danny snapped into focus. "I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to call you. I know what I said and—"

"Don't worry about it, Danny. I know you get busy with your job." Rikki had spent a lot of time going over it and finally came to the conclusion that Danny wasn't ignoring her. She reasoned that there must be an acceptable reason why he hadn't followed through with his word. But even though she spent a long time trying to convince herself, it didn't stop the spiteful thoughts that were flooding into her mind.

Trying to keep her voice positive, Rikki carried on, "It's fine, really. I understand that calling me back hasn't exactly been top priority." _Talking to Lindsay must be._ "We're talking now, so everything's fine." She fell into silence, her last words hanging in the air as a silent question to whether or not everything was really all right between them.

Danny looked down at his shoes as he wondered what to say. They both knew that this situation was far from fine. Danny just didn't know what to say to make it better. He thought he had done everything he could, and yet he knew she was still upset. Maybe him sleeping with her just made her feel worse. Danny sighed; he really didn't know what was happening. "Yeah, everything's fine." At the sound of someone opening the door, Danny looked up from his feet to see Flack shutting the door. "I have to go."

"Oh," Rikki blinked at the sudden sharpness of his voice. "Okay…"

Danny eyed Flack as he walked closer to him. "I'll talk to you later." He paused as Flack narrowed his eyes at him, "I promise." Flipping his cell shut, Danny pushed off the counter and stood straight. "What's up?"

Flack gestured towards the cell that was clipped back into place on Danny's belt. "I'm guessing that wasn't Lindsay."

Danny shrugged, "So what if it wasn't?"

Flack shook his head, "What's going on?"

"I don't know what you're talkin' about." Danny moved to leave when Flack moved closer. Trying not to get angry, Danny motioned in between them, "You mind backin' up a bit?" When he didn't move but instead crossed his arms over his chest, Danny sighed and moved back to lean against the counter. "Alright, what now?"

Flack looked him over, taking in the dark bags that were beginning to form under his eyes and the scruffy stubble that he hadn't got around to shaving. He looked like shit and Flack was starting to get annoyed at him moping around, it was obvious he wasn't doing anything about his situation.

"You tell me." Danny rubbed his forehead tiredly and Flack dropped his arms from his chest. "You obviously seem to think it's better to talk to Rikki right now, when you should be talkin'–no, _begging_–Lindsay to take you back."

Danny shook his head and shrugged helplessly, "And how am I supposed to talk to her when she don't want to talk to me?"

"Have you even _tried_ talkin' to her?"

"She won't want to talk to me." There was nothing he could do; if he attempted to talk to her she would simply come up with an excuse and leave. He knew it would be a long time before he got the chance to sit down and talk to her.

Flack sighed, "How do you know that?" Sometimes, Danny's logic made no sense. "If you haven't tried talking to her, how do you know she won't want to talk?"

"I know Lindsay, Flack. I know her better than anyone here, and she ain't gonna talk to me."

"So you're gonna settle for Rikki?" Flack scoffed, this situation was getting crazier by the second. Everyone knew Danny and Lindsay were supposed to be together. Sure, it had turned Danny into a pussy in his eyes, but nonetheless, Flack could see Danny loved Lindsay. Whether or not he wanted to admit it, or even knew it, was another issue.

"Rikki and I got things to sort out as well, Flack."

"And that's more important than talkin' to Monroe?" Flack held up his hands and took a step back. "Whatever, man." Flack couldn't help but laugh as he turned around, heading towards the door. "Shows where your priorities are."

When Flack opened the door, Danny spoke up. "Flack…It's easier to sort out things with Rikki 'cause at least she's talkin' to me. The sooner I figure out things with her, the sooner I can talk to Lindsay…You understand that, right?"

Flack nodded, not bothering trying to convince Danny to talk to Lindsay. He knew that Danny would come to him sooner or later when he fucks this up again. "Sure."

As he watched Flack walk out of the room, Danny let out a sigh. He needed to talk to Rikki. The sooner he did that, the sooner he could get back with Lindsay. The sooner he cut away from Rikki, the better they would all be.

"Danny," Hawkes called out as he walked through the open door. "Angell finally managed to get that subpoena for us. I'm heading down with her now, you coming?"

Danny nodded, making a mental note to make a visit to Rikki later. "You got it, Doc."

* * *

"A-ha!" Grabbing her other boot from under the couch, Lindsay briefly wondered what it was doing there. Quickly she slipped it on and made her way to her door, snatching her keys from the table along the way.

After her phone call from Jen, she figured she should get up and make herself useful. Once she had cleaned down her entire apartment, Lindsay felt good about herself. She didn't need to sit around and pine over Danny. She had better things to do. Her eyes scanned her apartment momentarily, and when she was happy that everything was in its place, she turned and opened her door.

Lindsay stopped in her tracks as the man before her lowered his hand. "I was just about to knock," he said, taking in the shocked look on her face.

It took her a moment to realize that he was actually standing in front of her, and that it wasn't her mind playing tricks on her. Lindsay blinked and was tempted to rub her eyes, to see if this was really happening. She opened her mouth to speak, but couldn't bring herself to formulate words. She didn't know what to say.

"If this is a bad time I can always come back…" He nervously fiddled with the strap of his backpack as he watched Lindsay open her mouth and then shut it again. "Okay, this is a bad time. I'll just go. Sorry." He sighed and twirled on his heel, ready to leave, when Lindsay finally spoke.

"Don't go." She couldn't help but smile as he cautiously turned back to face her. "I'm sorry. You just caught me off guard." She sighed happily, as she realized that this was actually happening. "I'm glad you're here." Her heart twisted when she saw his crooked smile. She never thought she'd see that again. "I'm so glad you're here," she whispered, while her eyes roamed over him, noting that nothing had changed except for the few wrinkles gracing the sides of his deep green eyes.

"I'm glad to be here," he said, his voice soft as he looked her over. She still looked the same, her hair was shorter than he remembered and he missed the gentle curls, but her height, her build, her face, it was all the same. He found himself relieved for the familiarity of the situation. He looked at her bag slung on her shoulder and nearly cursed at his bad timing. "You got work now?"

"Oh," Lindsay looked down at her badge clipped onto her belt. She looked at him, apology clear on her face. "My shift starts soon, I'm sorry." She gestured back to her apartment and tried to keep the hope out her voice. "You can always just wait. You're staying with me, right?"

"Oh no," he held his hands up. "Seriously Linds, I just stopped by to see you. It was on the way to the hotel so I'll just go there and come by whenever your shift ends."

Lindsay placed her hands on her hips and gave him that look which made him smile despite himself. "You already know you're canceling that reservation." She grabbed the handle of his suitcase that was lying next to his foot but stopped when she saw his hand cover her wrist.

"Lindsay–"

Looking up at him, she just raised her eyebrow at him. "Andy," she replied, her voice laced with annoyance. She stood up straight, lifting the suitcase and turned to enter her apartment. "Don't be so stubborn."

"I'm not being stubborn," he called out as Lindsay disappeared into a room. Shutting the door behind him, he took off his backpack and left it by the door. "I just don't want to put you out."

Lindsay came out of the room and shook her head. "You aren't putting me out. I'm surprised you even reserved a room." Lindsay walked up to him and punched him lightly on the arm. "You should have just come straight to me; you know you're always welcome."

Andy shrugged, "I didn't know if you'd be comfortable with it." He touched her shoulder gently when she looked away. He sighed dramatically, "But if you really want me here, then fine. I'll stay."

Lindsay looked back at him, joy clear on her face, "Really?"

Andy groaned at the excitement sparkling in her eyes and pulled her into a hug. "Yes, really," he mumbled, as he rested his chin on her head.

Lindsay laughed against his chest and pulled him closer, enjoying the feel of his arms around her waist. She never thought she'd get the chance to do this again. She never thought he would come back. Snuggling up closer, Lindsay forgot about having to leave for work, all she wanted now was to stay like this, enjoying having not to think about what was going on in her life.

Andy sighed contently and slowly rubbed his hands over the small of her back. As the thought came into his head, he laughed, "Why do you always get your way when I'm around?"

Lindsay pulled away and smiled at him, "Because you really can't resist me."

Andy laughed and rubbed the back of his head, "Sure."

"Okay, I better go," Lindsay stretched up and kissed his cheek as if it was the most natural thing to do. "Make yourself at home." She turned around and pointed at him. "And when I get back, I expect the full story."

Andy nodded; it gave him enough time to figure out what he was going to tell her. "I'll see you later, Linny," he said absently, as he took in the sight of her apartment.

Lindsay opened the door and smiled; no-one had called her that in a long time. Her smile widened, it felt good to hear. "See you later, Andy."


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** Don't own them, don't control what happens.

**A/N:** Thanks again for reading my story. Sorry that this is a mainly DR centered chapter, I don't know if people actually like them. I tried working in more scenes, but it somehow didn't work. Also, my spell check isn't working too well, so sorry in advance again for any mistakes. Please let me know and I'll adjust my errors.

Anyway, let me know what you think as always. Cheers (:

* * *

Danny walked up the stairs gradually, stalling for more time. As he made his way towards her apartment, Danny went over all the things he would say. He would tell her that she didn't need him, that he would only make her miserable. He would remind her that they were still grieving, that this wasn't what either of them wanted or needed. He would convince her that she could do better, that he didn't feel anything for her.

He would make sure she knew that he didn't want her. He wanted Lindsay and she wasn't Lindsay. She could never replace Lindsay.

When he reached her door, Danny stood for a long time staring at the green door. All the times he had stood here before, in this exact spot, came rushing back. Every time he had come by to drop off her mail when it had been accidentally put into his box, times when he had come to check for monsters because Reuben couldn't sleep, every time he had picked Reuben up to take him to school, or to church, when Rikki had pulled the earliest shift.

He had stood in this exact place when he told Rikki her son had been killed. It was right here that he asked her if she wanted to come over for a few drinks.

Letting out a steady breath, Danny raised his hand and lightly knocked on the door. When no-one answered, Danny knocked harder before realizing that she may still be at work. Her shifts at the diner had always been a bit erratic. Pulling away from the door, he reminded himself to always check beforehand to avoid looking like an idiot.

He was leaning against the opposite wall, staring at her apartment, considering phoning her when he heard her voice. "Danny?"

Looking to the side, he saw her standing at the end of the hallway, keys in one hand looking at him curiously. Rikki approached him and nodded towards her apartment. "You coming in?"

Danny nodded, not trusting himself to say anything. Once inside he took in his surroundings. Everything was the same, the cream walls, the torn sofa, the homely feeling. Danny looked to the side, his breath hitching at the sight of Reuben's closed bedroom door. It still hurt to think about him. Danny wondered if the ache would ever go away, he knew that it would probably stay with him for the rest of his days.

"Can I get you a drink?" Rikki asked politely, as she walked towards her kitchen. She opened a cupboard and turned around to face him, watching him stand awkwardly in her living room. "Tea? Coffee? Water?" She tilted her head to the side, looking him up and down. "How 'bout a beer to calm your nerves?"

Danny cleared his throat, embarrassed that he looked as nervous as he felt. "Water's fine, thanks."

"Alright." Rikki grabbed a glass and reached to open her fridge and pull out two bottles of water. Placing everything on her breakfast counter, she sat down on a stool and stared at Danny. "You gonna sit down or stand there all night?" She hoped the confidence would hide her uncertainty of the situation. She knew he said they'd talk, but for him to come over? Rikki was nearly sure he was trying to play with her mind.

Danny grunted slightly and sat own in front of her. He grabbed a bottle and opened the cap, taking a long drink. Hoping he was calmer, he looked at her. Her bright eyes stared at him, amusement shining out. "Rikki…" He paused, his mouth suddenly dry. "I came here because I…" He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm sorry."

Rikki laughed lightly, "Its okay."

Danny shook his head, "No, it's not." He licked his lips nervously and offered her a weak smile. "I'm sorry. For everythin'."

Trying to ignore the uneasy feeling in her stomach, Rikki smiled at him. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Danny."

Danny stared at her, wondering why she was so calm. He had thought she would be annoyed at him, nervous around him like he was with her. This calm version of her made him suspicious, but he tried to hold that back. Maybe she understood. Maybe she thought it was alright because she didn't really need him.

He followed her movements as she opened her own bottle and poured the water into the glass. His eyes narrowed as he saw her hands shake slightly as she brought the glass to her lips. She was nervous. He silently applauded her; she had a good poker face that was for sure. "You sure?"

Rikki carefully placed down her glass and nodded. "I'm sure." Rikki looked up at him, her heart fluttering at the sight of his bright blue eyes. She offered him a small, shy smile. "I accept your apology. And, I hope you accept mine. I'm sorry for everythin', too."

As they stared at each other, eyes steady, Danny carefully watched for any change in her movements. She tried to seem calm, as if she wanted nothing to come of their night together. Danny reminded himself he should just leave it, it was clear she didn't think anything could happen. She was right. Even with that thought in mind, he couldn't help but ask her the question that was burning in his mind. "What do we do now?"

Rikki's heart sank deeper; he wanted her to be the one to say it. He had hinted that he wanted to call them off, but now he wanted her to say it. If she did, he got out easy. He could simply brush her to the side and go back to Lindsay. Rikki felt as if someone had punched her in the stomach. She was being ridiculous. Of course this was what he wanted. This was what she wanted. If she said that they meant nothing to each other, then everything would be forgotten. Everything would return to normal. Whatever normal was.

Rikki chewed her lip lightly as she watched him stare at her. She didn't know what she wanted to do. "I don't know." She smiled sadly at him, "I don't know what to do."

* * *

Andy fiddled with his beaded bracelet as he stared at the simple walls of Lindsay's bedroom. The neutral cream walls held no personal photographs and Andy felt slightly uneasy at the sight.

Walking further into her room, he glanced at the only painting in the room. He assumed the large painting that hanged above her bed was an oil painting; the rough texture brought alive the bright reds and purples of the sunset. He sighed when he looked for other photos and found none.

Instead of unpacking in the guest bedroom, Andy found himself in Lindsay's room, his curiosity getting the better of him. At first he had tried to walk away, he had walked out of the room and stood facing the hallway wall before walking right back into her bedroom. He knew he shouldn't invade her personal space, but he wanted to know. He needed to see everything; he needed to know if anything changed.

Frowning slightly, Andy looked at her dresser. He wondered where she would keep them, the photos of them. Andy knew Montana Lindsay, he knew every side of that Lindsay, but as he looked around the tidy room, he wondered how different New York Lindsay was.

Fiddling with his bracelet again, he opened her closet. He knew Lindsay well enough to know they would be here somewhere, he just didn't understand why they weren't on the walls or in photo frames around her apartment. Was she ashamed? Was she trying to repress her memories again? He hoped not.

Andy turned around to inspect the room again. He was slightly worried about the lack of personal possessions in her bedroom, but he would have to let it go for now. After all, he had to plan what he was going to tell Lindsay. As he walked towards the guest room, the sound of the front door shutting made him turn around. Andy frowned; he thought Lindsay didn't have a roommate…

Jen dropped her spare key onto the table and kicked off her shoes. She had tried to stay at home but as usual the boredom had got the best of her. Lindsay was used to her randomly appearing in her apartment and was normally surprised when she came home and didn't find Jen sitting on her couch.

"Hello?"

Jen jumped when she heard a deep male voice from behind her. Turning around, she reached for her gun before remembering she wasn't carrying it. She narrowed her eyes at the intruder. "Who are you, and why are you in this apartment?"

Andy frowned at the woman's harsh voice. "Really, shouldn't I be asking you that?" He walked closer to her but stopped when she retreated back. He sighed; maybe Lindsay did have a roommate. "I'm Andy, I'm a family friend of Lindsay's, from back in Bozeman." He gestured with his hands at her. "And may I ask who you are?"

Jen straightened her back; Lindsay hadn't mentioned anyone coming to stay with her. She looked at the door quickly, her eyes scanning it for signs of forced entry. When she found none, Jen eyed the man again. "What are you doin' here?"

"I'm here for business." Andy watched as she nodded slightly, her eyes darting around the apartment. "I'm sorry but Lindsay didn't mention having a roommate…"

"I'm not her roommate."

Andy frowned; this was getting weirder by the minute. "Then, who are you?"

Jen gave him one more look before deciding to believe what he had told her. Going by the confused look on his face, Lindsay hadn't mentioned her to him. Jen exhaled, she was starting to find this situation annoying. Why hadn't Lindsay mention him visiting to her?

Offering him her hand, Jen replied stiffly, still not a hundred percent comfortable with him. "Detective Jennifer Angell. I work with Lindsay."

Andy nodded slowly, shaking her hand. "Okay. Do all of Lindsay's colleagues have the key to her apartment?" If they did, Andy would feel better for invading Lindsay's personal space earlier.

Jen turned around and sat on the arm of Lindsay's couch. She shook her head, "Just me. Me and Lindsay are good friends."

Nodding again, Andy looked at the woman before him. He'd admit it now; she certainly was good looking, even in casual attire of jeans and a t-shirt. Even with her striking good looks, Andy felt he should tread carefully with her. He got the feeling she could tear him apart at the drop of a hat.

"So," he began cautiously, unsure of himself. "Do you always do this?"

"She's used to it," Jen shrugged.

"Alright." He watched as Jen got up to turn on the television, presumably her way of dismissing him. "Should I just leave you two alone, then?" He asked, referring to the sight of Zach Braff on the screen.

Jen turned and smiled brightly at him. "If you have to."

Andy blinked as she turned back and flipped over the channel. He stared at the back of her head and wondered why Lindsay would ever be friends with such an abrupt and rude person. He shook his head in amazement before leaving the room.

* * *

Rikki licked her lips nervously as she watched Danny. He had been staring at her for what felt like hours. Even if he was thinking about what to do, his constant stare was making her feel uneasy.

She looked down at her glass again. Maybe she should have just told him that they shouldn't see each other anymore. What was she thinking by telling him she didn't know? She knew what she had to do; of course she knew what he wanted her to do. She just couldn't bring herself to say the words. For some reason, she didn't want whatever they had to end.

Cautiously, Rikki spoke softly, her eyes remaining down. "I know what we should do. We both know what we have to do." Rikki idly ran her finger along the rim of her glass. "You can't keep coming around here, Danny. I know you don't want anything to do with me."

Danny swallowed as he watched Rikki. He should be the one saying this. He shouldn't have to make her say it. After all, he was the one that wanted this to end. He wanted to tell her that she didn't need him, that they should just move on. But somehow, as he listened to her steady voice, he wanted to tell her to stop. He didn't want her to have to say this. It must be hurting her so much. Danny knew he was the only positive thing in her life now; he couldn't just pull the plug on that.

Why were they doing this?

Rikki looked up at him and continued. "We've already apologized for what…happened. And, I really am sorry. I don't want our mistake to hurt what you have with Lindsay." And she meant it. Danny loved Lindsay, she knew that, and even though it was hard to admit, Rikki knew she had to stop this. Even staying friends with him could hurt Lindsay.

Danny avoided eye contact by looking down at the counter. "It already has."

Rikki blinked, that wasn't good. "She knows?"

"I couldn't keep it from her." Danny shook his head and sighed. "She doesn't want to be with me anymore."

"Did she say that?"

"Not exactly." Danny looked up to see Rikki's worried face. "I know she doesn't want me. How can she?"

Not thinking, Rikki reached out to gently touch Danny's hand. "If she hasn't said that she doesn't want to be with you, then you still have a chance. You can't just assume things, Danny."

At the same time, they both looked down at her hand on top of his. Danny sharply removed his hand from under hers. They definitely shouldn't be touching again. Never again. Clearing his throat, Danny looked at her. "I know you're right, but how can I fix this?"

Rikki turned her head away from him and let out a steady breath. How could he possibly want her to answer that? She wanted him to be happy, and if that was to get back with Lindsay, then fine. She understood what they did was a mistake. But for him to ask her for advice on how to get Lindsay back? That was too much. Rikki couldn't handle that.

"I don't know, Danny." Rikki glanced back at him and tried to smile. "But I get the feeling that if you want to fix this, the less time you spend here with me, the better."

Danny nodded, she was right. Standing from his seat, Danny stared at Rikki before sighing. "I really am sorry, Rikki."

Rikki waved her hand dismissively. "I get the point, Danny."

Nodding towards her front door, Danny shot her a half-smile. "I better go."

Rikki nodded, not able to say anything more to him. She watched as he ducked his head and walked across the room. She tried to reason with herself that this was how it was meant to be. There was no way they could build on their relationship, even if it was only platonic.

Rikki's heart fluttered when he turned and smiled at her before opening her door and leaving. As soon as the door shut, she groaned and dropped her head onto the counter. Why was she doing this?


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:** Don't own them, don't control what happens.

**A/N:** Thanks again for taking the time to read my story. Review and let me know what you think, this chapter was certainly less angsty than what I normally write. Plus, it'd help if I can get feedback on Andy. Are people starting to like him, or is it still me that loves him? Cheers (:

* * *

Lindsay sighed in relief when she saw her apartment door come in sight. It was late and after dealing with bitchy, sarcastic suspects throughout her shift, Lindsay was glad to see the back of the building. Grabbing her keys from her bag, Lindsay unlocked the door but stopped in the doorway when she saw Andy and Jen sitting on her couch together talking.

Lindsay opened her mouth before quickly shutting it and instead glared at Jen. Damn her impulse appearances. Walking further into her apartment, Lindsay dropped her keys and bag on the table nosily. When neither of them turned to look at her, she stood at the end of the couch, her hands on her hips.

"Hi," she said, her voice showing her annoyance.

Jen turned to look up at Lindsay. She smiled brightly at the disbelieving look on Lindsay's face. "Hey, Monroe," Jen said casually. She patted the seat next to her. "Come sit down. _House_ just started, you like _House_, don't you?"

"I love this show," Andy commented as he looked up at Lindsay, who was glaring at him. He smirked at her, "Come sit. You still like Hugh Laurie, right?"

"Of course she likes Hugh Laurie," Jen snorted. "She thinks he's 'gorgeous.'"

Andy laughed and turned to look at Jen. "Really?" When Jen nodded before laughing loudly, Andy looked up at Lindsay. "Seriously?" He smirked at her when he saw her jaw clench. He missed teasing her. "I thought you had better taste than that…"

Jen opened her mouth to speak when Lindsay spoke up. "Okay, that's it," she snapped. After a frustrating day, to come home to this was more than she could take. "There's something seriously wrong with this picture. The two of you, sitting here joking with each other?"

"As well as mocking your crush on Hugh Laurie," Andy quipped.

Lindsay narrowed her eyes at him. "You should have kept that hotel reservation."

Jen laughed, "Jeez Monroe, calm down." She grinned at Andy. "Me and Andy were just talkin'. It's hardly a crime."

Andy stood from the couch and walked over to Lindsay. He gently rubbed her shoulder. "I'm sorry I didn't phone and tell you. I was caught off guard by her, anyway. You didn't tell me anyone else had a copy of your keys."

"You never told me he was comin' to visit, either," Jen pointed out.

Lindsay sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I'm sorry, Jen. I didn't know Andy was in the area until he came over."

Jen smirked, turning to face the TV. She watched as House made a remark over Cuddy's cleavage before speaking. "I know, Andy already told me that. But I accept your apology, anyway."

Lindsay grunted and looked up at Andy; suddenly worried Jen had been rude to him. "She didn't attack you?"

"I was nothin' but nice to him," Jen called out, her eyes remaining on the screen.

Andy laughed lightly, "She didn't attack me." Andy wrapped his arm around Lindsay's shoulder and pulled her into his side. "We had a bit of an incident when she first arrived, but after that, we got talking and everything's fine."

Lindsay warily looked between the two and sighed. "Okay, fine. Sorry I snapped."

Jen turned to look at Lindsay and grinned, "Apology accepted. Again."

Andy smiled when Lindsay grumbled, and placed a kiss on the top of her head. "Don't worry about it, Linny," he said, his voice soothing.

Jen raised an eyebrow at the sight of Lindsay being this close to Andy. He had told her that they were childhood friends; he was best friends with Lindsay's older brothers and was still to this day. She knew that they had been through a lot together since Andy's sister had been friends with Lindsay, and had been killed that day at the diner.

Jen knew all this but as she watched the two retreat into Lindsay's kitchen, Andy's hands on her shoulders, guiding her to the fridge, Jen felt that their relationship ran deeper than what Andy was telling her.

"Do you want a drink, Jen?" Lindsay called out, her head stuck in her fridge.

Jen shook her head and stood from her seat. "Nah, I better get goin'."

Lindsay turned to look at her, a frown in place. "You sure?"

Jen nodded, "Yeah. I'll leave you two alone, so you can catch up." Jen grabbed her bag and slid into her shoes. She turned back and pointed at Lindsay. "We gotta talk tomorrow, yeah?"

Lindsay nodded; she knew a long talk with Jen was expected. "See you then."

When the door closed shut, Andy watched carefully as Lindsay withdrew two bottles of beer and placed them on the counter next to him. She paused before moving across the small kitchen to grab two beer mugs. He watched her movements, knowing what was coming. They had to talk and even though he had planned for this moment, Andy was still nervous. Lindsay seemed to still have that effect on him.

"Have you eaten?" Lindsay asked softly as she turned to go back to her fridge.

Judging her actions, Andy was more than certain she was nervous too. "Jen found left over Chinese food."

Lindsay nodded as she stared at the spot on the shelf where the cartons used to stand. "I can see that." Scanning the rest of the contents, Lindsay decided that the two slices of pizza she found in the break room fridge would have to do for her own dinner.

Shutting the door, Lindsay grabbed the two bottles and opened them. She nodded at Andy, "Grab the mugs, please?"

Andy looked at the glasses resting on the counter and shook his head. He walked over and grabbed his bottle from Lindsay's hand instead. "I don't need a mug," he commented, going out of the kitchen and back into the living room.

Lindsay looked at her empty hand and smiled slightly before following him. She found him sitting on the arm of her couch, gently tapping against the bottle in his hand. Walking up to him she nudged him in the arm. "Sit properly," she demanded lightly, as she walked past him to sit down on the couch herself.

"I'm comfortable here." Andy glanced sideways to see Lindsay curl her legs up underneath herself. He watched as she took a drink from her own bottle before sighing in relief. He smiled a little at the sight. "Rough day?"

Lindsay groaned, "A lot of people with huge attitudes."

Andy chuckled, "Definitely a rough day, then."

Lindsay made a noise of agreement and raised the bottle to her lips, taking a long drag. "Some people just don't understand that I'm just doing my job. If they got an attitude, they should just save it." Lindsay sighed and ran a hand through her hair, ruffling it in annoyance. "It just makes my job harder, y'know?"

Andy nodded and looked down at his untouched bottle. Being a journalist as well as a professor he understood exactly where she was coming from. Constantly people thought it was necessary to make his job harder by refusing to give simple information, making it harder for him to tell both sides of the story. Or they decided it was necessary to give him attitude when all he was trying to do was help them in their studies since that was the reason he was there after all. They didn't need to take their anger out on him.

"Sometimes people just don't realize that you're only there to help make things better for everyone." He looked at her and offered a sympathetic smile. "You just have to deal with it, right?"

Lindsay looked up at him, he always understood. "Right." Letting out a breath, Lindsay asked the question that they knew was hanging between them. "So, what's going on?"

Andy kept his eye contact with her before looking away and shifting slightly. He knew they had to talk since he had been preparing himself for it all day. Figuring that he couldn't tell her everything, Andy told himself that he would have to stick with the simplest of versions. The basics, he would tell her the basics. After all, that's all she needed to know.

Lindsay watched as he placed his bottle on the table in front of them. He wiped his hands on his thighs before turning to face her completely. He raised his feet to place them on the couch and moved so that his forearms were resting on top of his knees. She had seen him in this position so many times before but as she stared at him, Lindsay felt warm inside. He used to sit like this when they were younger. When he came over to see her brothers, he would sit like this and her mother would catch him and clip him around the ear. She hated feet on her couch, Lindsay didn't really care.

"I've been offered a transfer. If I took it, I'd be working right here in New York," Andy said in a rushed voice, his eyes focused on his bracelet.

Lindsay frowned slightly. "Here?" That didn't make sense. Andy had everything back in Bozeman, one of the highest ranking jobs, good pay, good friends, his family and their ranch…Why would he want to leave that?

Andy nodded, cautiously looking up. He knew she would be surprised, maybe angry, but the confused look that marred her features did surprise him. After all, he couldn't live in Bozeman all his life. He had to get out of there.

"I'd be teaching for NYU. I'd live in Manhattan, maybe around here." When she slowly reached forward to place her bottle on the table, a frown firmly in place on her face, Andy rushed to explain. "I'm still not sure whether I want to take the transfer. I'm here to have a trial run with NYU, but if I do take their offer, then…"

Andy sighed; this was harder than he thought. He wanted to tell her everything, the main reason why he wanted–needed–to take this job, but she didn't have to know. He was convinced of that. Rising from his position, Andy moved to sit next to Lindsay, who was focusing on her clasped hands in her lap. "It'd be better pay, Linds. It's a better offer. I'd get the chance to teach more kids about journalism. Maybe some of them would go on to work for the New York Post or something, instead of the dead-end Bozeman Times."

"You worked for that dead-end paper for nearly fifteen years," Lindsay reminded him. "Why leave your post? It was perfect. You could teach and still get your stories published. You had everything there."

Andy nodded; he understood what she was trying to tell him. He did, but really, it didn't matter. She had left for New York, so why couldn't he?

"I can have everything here, too."

Lindsay nearly laughed at his optimism. "Andy…"

"I need a fresh start, Lindsay." He stared at her, his green eyes willing her to understand. "I thought you of all people would get that."

Lindsay shook her head, "Our situations are different, Andy. I left for different reasons."

His sudden laughter burst into the room. "Are you being serious?" He shook his head. "My decision to leave isn't that much different to yours. We both wanted better jobs, bigger opportunities, to get away from our past." Andy placed a hand on her elbow, "Sometimes you forget that I went through it too, Lindsay."

The sudden tremble that hit her heart made Lindsay want to crawl away from him. They wouldn't talk about it. She had done what she needed to do, she had faced her demons and he would not drag them back up just to prove a point.

"What about your mom?"

Andy released her elbow and rested against the couch. He didn't appreciate the way she changed the subject so swiftly. "What about her?"

"She can't handle that ranch on her own, Andy."

"Yes she can," Andy said, his voice determined. "She just doesn't want to try."

The topic of his mother had always been an area they rarely discussed, and as Lindsay sat and watched Andy, she didn't know whether or not to carry on their conversation. He had only been here less than a day, she didn't want to get him angry with her this soon.

"What about your house? You can't just sell it."

Andy clenched his jaw at all the questions Lindsay was asking him. "Are you really that scared of having me around that you feel the need to ask me every single question you can possibly think of?"

Lindsay was initially taken back by his clipped tone, but softened when he looked at her. "I just want to make sure you're certain about this."

Andy sighed, "Lindsay. I haven't even taken the job. I'm here for a trial period. Can we forget about all the questions until I figure out what I want?"

Lindsay shifted in her seat, considering the fact that he was going to be around for a while. "How long are you staying for?"

"Two weeks." Andy glanced sideways at her, noticing the way she chewed lightly on her bottom lip. "Think you can handle that?"

Lindsay smiled slightly, "Of course I can."

"You sure?" Andy stretched his legs out in front of him, and folded his arms across his chest. "Not gonna get all nervous having me around?"

Lindsay scoffed at the idea. "Get over yourself."

Andy smirked before suddenly jumping up from his seat. He grabbed his untouched bottle from the table and turned to look back at a slightly bemused Lindsay. "Come on," he said, holding out his hand to her. "James sent you something. Told me to give it to you, or I would get my ass kicked."

Lindsay's eyes brightened at the idea of what her ex-partner could have sent her. James was always a livewire, not to mention slightly weird when it came to present giving. Getting up from her seat, Lindsay ignored Andy's outstretched hand and instead rounded the couch, making her way to the spare bedroom.

"How is he?" She called out to Andy who was walking slowly behind her. She opened the door and went straight to the suitcase sitting in the middle of the bed. Flicking it open, her eyes widened at the fluorescent yellow wrapping paper. Laughing, Lindsay turned around to grin at Andy. "I can't believe he remembered!"

Andy laughed and walked into the room, to stand next to Lindsay. "He searched everywhere for that paper. It's hideous. I never understood why you liked the color."

"It makes me happy," Lindsay replied as she picked up the brightly colored box. Making quick work of the wrapping paper, Lindsay pulled out the brown box and tried to take off the tape that sealed it together. As she picked at the tape, Lindsay looked up at Andy and smiled. "How's he doing?"

Andy sat down on the bed and shrugged. "He's fine. He misses you, they all do, but they understand that you aren't going back." Andy glanced as Lindsay took a deep breath and carried on picking at the tape with her non-existent nails. "He wanted to know why you didn't visit him when you were in Montana. I told him you were too busy." Andy paused as he watched Lindsay stop and rest her palm against the top of the box. "He understood. He just wanted to see you. They all did."

Lindsay closed her eyes; she didn't want to have this conversation. "You know I'm sorry I never went to see them."

"I know," he replied softly. He looked at her, his eyes gentle. "Like I said, you were busy. James just wished he got the opportunity to tell you how pleased he was that you got the closure you needed."

Lindsay nodded abruptly and opened her eyes. She looked at Andy before turning back to the box. She picked it up and handed it to him. "Open this, please."

Taking the box from her hands, Andy placed it in his lap before he went to work on the tape that James had used in excess to secure the box. He wished he had been there when James wrapped this thing, it was nearly impossible to get into.

After a while, Lindsay spoke again, her voice quiet. "If I had the chance, I would have gone to see him. I miss James, too." She smiled softly at the thought of the energetic blond. "I just didn't want to go to have him try and convince me to stay."

Andy nodded, she had a point. James would have done anything to keep her with him; he always told him how his new partner could never replace Lindsay. "Plus, you were preoccupied." He glanced over to look at Lindsay who had taken a seat next to him. "You never told me his name."

"I know."

When she was in Montana last, she had kept Danny separate from everyone. She didn't take him back to her home, introduce him to her family, instead she had taken him to a local motel, telling him that it was easier that way. No-one found out about him, even though the cameras surrounding them that day had caught footage of them together. Lindsay had been thankful for Andy's influence at the local TV stations as well as the newspaper. Danny hadn't been mentioned in any of the reports.

He hadn't been mentioned between the pair either. Andy had wanted to question Lindsay, find out more about the man who was more than willing to travel across the country for her, but he knew that it wasn't appropriate to ask. Not after what had happened.

"What happened to him?"

Lindsay tried to smile, to reassure Andy that everything was fine, but she couldn't sum up the energy to lie. "He cheated on me."

It took a second for the information to register in his mind. Someone actually had the nerve to cheat on his Linny. Andy made a mental note to tell the boys back home before he looked at Lindsay from the corner of his eye. She was trying to remain calm but he could see the muscles in her jaw clenching. He knew she was still hurting over this guy.

The idea that someone would want someone else when they had Lindsay seemed ridiculous to Andy. If he had a girlfriend like Lindsay, he would never do anything to risk their relationship.

Not knowing what to say, as he realized nothing he could say would make Lindsay heal any faster, Andy said the first thing that came into his mind, in a hope that it would make her smile. "Point me in the right direction and I can make him disappear. Just like that." He attempted to click his fingers but failed. "No-one would ever know. They would just assume he skipped states."

Lindsay laughed at the absurdity of the idea. "And how would you manage that? You can barely kill an insect."

Andy shrugged goodheartedly, a smile fixed in place at the sound of her bubbly laughter. "Who said I would have to kill him? I have contacts, Linny. There are a lot of men who would willingly kill for me."

Lindsay chuckled slightly and shifted so that she could rest her head against his shoulder. "You're a dork, y'know that?"

Andy looked down at her and smiled softly. "I know. And you're stuck with this dork for two weeks."

Lindsay sighed gently, her body starting to relax. "I know," she mumbled, as she felt her eyes close. "I can hardly wait."


End file.
